Fun, But In No Sense Civilized

1. There’s no such thing as asexuality.

All the people who identify as asexual would appreciate being told they don’t exist.

2. It’s just a phase.

There are no phases, just aspects of a person and their life. Some things last for a short time and some are always there.

3. You’re just a late bloomer.

This isn’t a Judy Blume novel and I’m not asking why all the other girls are sprouting bosoms. Moving on.

4. You’re in denial.

You’re creepy.

5. That’s the same as celibacy?

No, celibacy is a conscious choice. I didn’t choose this.

6. How do you know if you’ve never tried it?

How do you know you’re not into bending over an upturned bathtub and being vigorously mounted by dogs?

7. You’re just repressed.

Even if that were somehow technically true, repression implies I’m stifled and unhappy with that. I’m neither.

8. You’re gay and you just don’t know it.

I’m romantically attracted to members of the same sex. Sooo…yes I am, and yes I do.

9. You just haven’t met the right person yet.

The right person for me is one who accepts me for all aspects of me.

10. You just have daddy issues.

No, but that’s a strange, out of the blue thing to accuse someone of…I’m thinking this line of questioning stems from a very sad place, but it has nothing to do with my sexuality.

11. So do you masturbate all the time?

That’s asking me whether or not I have a sex drive, not a desire to act on it with other people. And it’s also a personal question you should feel ashamed for asking.

12. You have no passion or love of life.

There’s more to life than sex, dear.

13. You’re afraid of sex.

Can’t be, because I’m clearly imagining you fucking yourself sideways.

14. You’re just selfish.

That doesn’t even make sense.

15. You’ve got to want to f*** something.

You’re not one to pay attention, are you?

16. You’re afraid to get close to other people.

I’m close to many people. Sex isn’t the only way to achieve that.

17. What are you interested in, animals?

Now you’re just trying to be an offensive douchehose.

18. Have you ever had your hormones checked?

That’s a medical question and also none of your business.

19. You’re just trying to get attention.

Yes, the insensitive, tactless treatment you’re giving me is something I can’t get enough of.

20. [Silent eyeroll, dirty look]

[Jazz hands]

21. You should try Viagra.

That wouldn’t be of any use to me even if I was sexually dysfunctional, which I’m not.

22. You’re still going to get married and have children though, right?

Irrelevant to my sexual orientation.

23. You can’t be asexual because humans can’t reproduce by themselves.

Hehehe, you and your whimsical wordplay. It’s…really not that whimsical.

24. I don’t think it’s okay for you to be asexual because I just want you to be happy.

Clearly you don’t, because having my orientation questioned in a very demeaning way makes me anything but happy.

25. Don’t worry, I can cure you of that attitude.

It’s not an “attitude”, it’s part of who am I. Any persistent attempts to “cure” it will merit you a sexual harassment charge and an injury to the teeth.